The screaming monkey.

Note: if your name is Chris Sharma or Adam Ondra you can skip this post.

If not, please read.

I will describe here another kind of infestation that affects every climbing gyms and climbing areas all around the world.

I will talk about the classic hominid that screams and yells during its favorite activity.

For scientific reasons, I will refer to the specimen as "Screaming Monkey" (SM).

The SM can be found in every gym and crag and boulder area all around the world.

In 98% of the cases, the SM is a young male, often half naked (for more details, please read here) even though sporadically, also females have been described.

The principal characteristic of the SM is its ability to scream and yell like a wounded dinosaur while is climbing.

The only purpose of the scream is to attract the attention of other people. In its mind, those terrible sounds have the meaning of "Look at me how giga-awesome I am!" and "Look at what incredible and amazing things I'm doing on this wall...". Unfortunately for it, nobody really cares about what is doing; however it will keep to emit its loud noises.

Moreover, the noise is also used in general by the SM to announce is presence to the rest of the climber population present in loco, especially to mates of opposite sex and/or in case of crowded areas.

Usually, the intensity and the frequency of its screams are proportionally correlated to the intensity of its climbing. In other words, with the increase of the difficulty of the climbing, will be an increase of the noise pollution.

In general, the noise of the SM can be categorized in four different groups:

1) The Argh: usually is a single short and loud scream. This sound is generally used during the most difficult passage of whatever the SM is climbing. The Argh is shouted in the fatal moment in which the SM is holding the key crimp of the thing is climbing. The Argh is used by the SM as a snapshot of the moment.

2) The S(h)ⁿ (with the variant of S(h)ⁿahh): this is the classic sound of a pumped SM. This is a noise produced when the SM is climbing a very long climbing. In its imagination, the 5 feet pitch that is climbing is a mille-long 5.15. The S(h)ⁿ is emitted with regular intervals in order to show its stamina. Usually, bigger is the number of "h" used in the noise, longer is the pitch.

3) The Bwaaaaa: this is the classic sound of the last move. When the SM is at the last move of the pitch or boulder and is really pumped usually utilizes this sound. Unfortunately for it, nobody cares what is doing, so it will shout a really loud Bwaaaaa to show everybody at what point it is. Statistically, after the Bwaaaaa, the SM fails the move whit the consequence of an inglorious fall.

4) The Muah (sometimes also Buah): this is a classic sound of desperation. The SM is trying something really, really over it's own possibilities, and it knows that. The noise is usually emitted at a high frequency because all the muscles of the SM are contracted. The Muah is not even a sound: it's more like an involuntary expulsion of air from the SM's lungs. Just like the gas expelled by a corpse when subjects to a pressure.

In conclusion, even though completely innocuous, often the SM sounds ridiculous and can embarrass yourself and all the their climbers that are trying to enjoy their favorite activity.

Therefore, I think is the responsibility of the whole mankind to stop this infestation before it will be too late.